Every time I leave Sangkla I get sad. I miss the people, the food, the familiarity, the kids, my job, my bed, everything. This time it hit me hard, sitting alone on a beach in Cambodia, wanting nothing more than to share that with someone or to just go back to where I knew felt comfortable. I was homesick for a place I wasn't sure was home.
But now I am sure. I am back and so happy to be here. My Saw came back one week ago, after much persistence from me and one of the care mothers. He said he didn't want to come back, but here he is. And here we are again, just like old days, like these past three months never happened. Like I haven't been sitting around waiting for him, counting down the moments... (I haven't really). But it is so nice to pick up where we left off. I missed him so much. I missed having a friend, an ally, someone who is smarter than me when it comes to tropical medicine, someone who I can count on and turn to when I don't know the answer. Someone who can teach me the things I do not know and who is willing to learn the others. He has made my day.
All the mushiness and happiness aside, I still wake up in a panic. I had two weeks off of the morning panics, and the first day back they start again. I honestly do not know the source. I wake up and feel down, really sad, and kind of scared. The thoughts that come into my head are about work, whether Didi and I will get along today, when I will see my Thai boyfriend again, what the hell am I going to do when I have to wake up in the states again? Then the cramps start. They are in my belly and don't stop until I drag myself out of bed and into the shower where the cold water shocks both emotion and physical pain out of my body. The rest of the day goes along great, I am endlessly smiling and happy with my kids, the care mothers, and the relief work. So why then do the panics come?
I think it has to be someone tied to the fact that every day that I wake up means one more day closer to me having to go home. And if I think too much about going home the panics become worse and then I get physically ill.
So I do my best not to think about it. Go with the flow and enjoy every little moment I have here.
And go to Burma.
Yes, I am finally making the trip :) I will leave Baan Unrak in April and travel around Burma for 3 weeks. Then I will come back to Thailand and see the north for maybe a week or two. Then I have to go home for reals. I am really excited about Burma. All the changes that are happening are making it a good place to travel to right now, and it still hasn't been touched by too many tourists. Which, after seeing Cambodia and feeling like I could have been anywhere else in the world, I am craving. I hope to learn enough Burmese in the next month to get me around, but I know that many people there speak English. It will be interesting.
There is more to write, but for now I am going to go try and make a video for Taylor.
Love all :)